My father died once. No really… he did. He committed suicide. I received the phone call at work one afternoon 5 years ago, that he had passed away. Thirteen minutes later I received another call saying he had made it after one last shock. My father is still at risk. My Uncle Dennis died by suicide. Now my Aunt Tammie. I have called 911 myself on two people due to suicidal threats. I myself have spiraled into a dark place once upon a time after my son was born.

Why am I being open about all of this? Because you matter and there’s always ALWAYS another alternative to death…Because someone reading this is probably depressed. Reach out to someone. I’m available anytime.

I’m struggling a little with the fact that I’m already angry about my Aunt’s suicide death last week. I still cry when I think about it, but I’m leaning more towards anger now.
This was not her first time to attempt and statistically speaking, she had the odds against her. However, I didn’t really realize that.

She had a history of sending a Manila envelope full of instructions upon her passing. The person that received it in August just thought she was getting her affairs in order.  I was scrolling through her Facebook page and although this photo is from 2011 not 2017, my heart sank. My face filled with rushing red shame.

Level of Suicide Risk
Low – Some suicidal thoughts. No suicide plan. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

Moderate – Suicidal thoughts. Vague plan that isn’t very lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

High – Suicidal thoughts. Specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.
Severe – Suicidal thoughts. Specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she will attempt suicide.


10 thoughts on “Hello

  1. I feel so bad for you and your family anytime you need to talk I’m always here even though you don’t know me sometimes it’s better to talk to a stranger


    • I truly appreciate that. Suicide is a scary thing and when you see family members over and over doing it, it’s concerning. I feel bad for being angry. I guess it’s a normal thing. I loved her dearly.


  2. Excellent post. Anger and shame are normal responses for the survivors. Be easy with yourself, though. Your aunt’s suicide is not your fault and you know from experience that depression leads to irrational decision making sometimes. She was inwardly thinking and probably not aware that her death would cause such pain. You are handling this in a constructive way, by writing about it and sharing information with others that could help them. Thank you, Chantel! I enjoy reading your work!


  3. 3 years into marriage, we received a call that my “then” husbands parents went missing. Thirty (30) days later, unfortunately, a farmer found them in their car parked in his cotton field in Arizona. The car windows were taped shut from the inside along with a hose coming from the exhaust. They were inside that car in the August Arizona heat for all that time and even the unknowing farmer was damaged from that discovery. They had left a note that simply said they didn’t want to be a burden to the family with their medical problems….they were in their early 50’s, so that didn’t make sense to most. As expected, the family was devastated by losing both their young parents at the same time and the questions still remain after all these years….why, just why? Not one of the family members were aware of their plans. Even more puzzling, was for 2 people at the same time to be at the same depth (emotionally) of giving up on their very existence….which is beyond comprehension and altogether tragic.
    However, the hopes are that this precious life cannot be snuffed out in such a way and that all of the beautiful lives that are relinquished before their time, will in fact get a second chance “a do over” and live again with hope and love until they feel at peace for all times.


  4. I am so sorry that this is the way that it ended with Tammie. As someone that knew her and some of her problems dealing with life it hurts. There is plenty of hurt left behind when someone chooses this way to solve their problems. It’s like you said in one of your blogs about Facebook. To some a hangnail is a problem. To others they will yank it off and feel blessed about the other nine. All of our thoughts process differently, that’s what makes us, us. We all too often think we know what is going on in someones mind and that it coincides with our thoughts, our way of processing things. I learned this the hard way. I pray that your Father lives out his life and passes in a peaceful way. Don’t feel bad about the anger, just don’t turn it on yourself. This is the silver lining in such a dark cloud. To all issues, knowledge is the best weapon. By your blogging it does enable people to use what you have been through. I know I needed this. Thank you Chantel for sharing.


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