My father died once. No really… he did. He committed suicide. I received the phone call at work one afternoon 5 years ago, that he had passed away. Thirteen minutes later I received another call saying he had made it after one last shock. My father is still at risk. My Uncle Dennis died by suicide. Now my Aunt Tammie. I have called 911 myself on two people due to suicidal threats. I myself have spiraled into a dark place once upon a time after my son was born.

Why am I being open about all of this? Because you matter and there’s always ALWAYS another alternative to death…Because someone reading this is probably depressed. Reach out to someone. I’m available anytime.

I’m struggling a little with the fact that I’m already angry about my Aunt’s suicide death last week. I still cry when I think about it, but I’m leaning more towards anger now.
This was not her first time to attempt and statistically speaking, she had the odds against her. However, I didn’t really realize that.

She had a history of sending a Manila envelope full of instructions upon her passing. The person that received it in August just thought she was getting her affairs in order.  I was scrolling through her Facebook page and although this photo is from 2011 not 2017, my heart sank. My face filled with rushing red shame.

Level of Suicide Risk
Low – Some suicidal thoughts. No suicide plan. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

Moderate – Suicidal thoughts. Vague plan that isn’t very lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

High – Suicidal thoughts. Specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.
Severe – Suicidal thoughts. Specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she will attempt suicide.


Tuesday Called and it Wants Your Heart

You can look at my father and you can see his depression. You could look at my Aunt Tammie and never know. You’ve heard this before, be kind. Be kind to others because you never know what is brewing inside. 

My mother knows not to send me texts saying call me ASAP because she’s done this before to me. As I would panic and call back, she would start talking about randomness. I finally told her to never do that again. I assumed someone had died.

So, when those words came onto my screen I knew something was wrong for sure. She couldn’t even speak when she answered and finally my step father told me that my Aunt had committed suicide. 

I had to head to Tennessee, so the doctor decided it best to keep dad for the rest of the week. My husband is taking care of it all for me. What a blessing that I have a rock.

My mother has been an emotional wreck, but at the same time she’s found her strength and we’ve pushed through the past couple of days. My brother lives in California, but he called and texted and did what he could. We both tried our best to support our mom through her sister’s death. 

Tammie, my Aunt, was a beautiful person. A beautiful person with a lot of inner turmoil. She functioned. She smiled. She worked, albeit the past few years it was sporadic and she struggled. I’m talking about an educated woman who made great money. She owned her home outright. She knew how to handle herself and had street smarts. She had horses. She had beauty. She had friends and family who loved her beyond the moon. 

We have no letter from her. No explanation. Was it just that bad and for how long? Did something happen to set this off? Why? Why did you do this? She knew she was loved and that’s all I can keep telling myself. 

I can’t help but wonder how many people I know suffer in silence. I hope you know, I care.